Hot Sauce: Brady Tkachuk is top five alive, and Vancouver is lost

Brady Tkachuk went six games without a goal and then scored six in two nights, which is the hockey version of forgetting your wallet and then paying for the whole table. Vancouver watched the second half of that from the wrong end, and I'm told the flight home was the best part of the trip.

Five takes, mild to nuclear. Grades are final. Appeals go to Marcus, and he'll just send you a spreadsheet.

1. Brady Tkachuk is a top-five player in the league. I don't want to hear it.

Two natural hat tricks in two games, per NHL data: three in 8:03 in Columbus on Tuesday, then three in the last 11 minutes against Vancouver on Thursday, with the tying goal at 12.8 seconds left and the overtime winner.

Maurice gave him 19:59 on Thursday, up 3.7 minutes from Columbus, because when a guy is on fire you hand him the matches. Six of his eight points this season are goals. The man doesn't pass, and nobody's asking. Grade: A. Fine, I'll walk it back next week. Top ten.

2. Boston's power play is the whole team, and I've made my peace with it.

Boston went down two in Anaheim on Friday and scored on three straight power plays to win 4-2. The unit is at 27.3 percent through eight games by our count, and the Bruins are 4-1-0 in their last five while taking 13.5 penalty minutes a game, second in the league.

The plan is to commit the crime and collect the fine from the other guy.

Bruins tax: in Boston that's not a problem, that's a business model. Grade: B-plus. It's not an A because the Bruins treat the penalty box like a timeshare.

3. The Maple Leafs lost a game that was mathematically over.

Kirill Marchenko scored three times and Toronto led Buffalo 4-2 after 40 minutes on Thursday. The Leafs gave up three straight, including Owen Power's overtime winner, and lost 5-4 with the league's best penalty kill, 96.2 percent by our count. They found a door nobody knew was there.

Jack Quinn had two goals, two assists and a fight with Troy Stecher, which is a Gordie Howe hat trick with a layover. Toronto also paid two forwards for Aatu Raty on Wednesday, hours after he cleared waivers, because the Leafs collect former Canucks the way my uncle collects parking tickets. Grade: F-minus. It's reserved. They earned it.

4. The Rangers lost 7-1 and Zibanejad never got a shot off.

Mika Zibanejad played 20:14 in New Jersey on Thursday with zero shots and a minus-3, per NHL data. I've seen guys at open hockey get a puck on net while tying their skates. Dylan Garand gave up four on 13 and got the hook.

Alexis Lafrenière took a 10-minute misconduct, so at least one Ranger was fully engaged. Grade: D. Buddy, I'm begging you, the net is the big thing with the rope on it.

5. Vancouver just finished the worst road trip since the Griswolds.

The Canucks went 0-4-1 over their last five by our count and sit 2-6-1 after a six-game road trip. Kevin Lankinen is at .786 with a 6.88 goals-against average through five starts, per NHL data. My buddy's beer-league goalie has a better save percentage, and he plays with a catcher's mitt and a cigarette.

Thursday was the masterpiece. Vancouver led the Panthers 2-0 going into the third, blocked 20 shots, and lost to one guy. Leevi Meriläinen made 36 saves and took the loss, which is like cooking a five-course dinner and watching the dog eat it. Grade: F. Buddy, I'm begging you, start Meriläinen and let the other man rest.

Fight of the week

Nathan MacKinnon versus Roope Hintz, 6:46 of the second in Dallas on Tuesday, five apiece. The best player on the ice dropped the gloves with Dallas's top center, and it was a real one, not a hug with a dance partner.

Fedor Svechkov had opened the evening by going with Radek Faksa and eating the instigator, so the invitation was already in the mail.

Who won: Colorado took the game 3-2, so I'm scoring the bout for MacKinnon. Then Hintz won the rematch in the shootout on Wednesday while Casey DeSmith stoned MacKinnon. Hintz lost the fight and won the week, which is the most Finnish outcome available.

Kept off the sheet

Jamie Drysdale, Philadelphia: nine games, zero points, 22.1 minutes a night by our count. Three hours of hockey, blank receipt.

Jake McCabe, Toronto: eight games, zero points, 19.9 minutes. Thursday's third period had his fingerprints on it, which is more than the score sheet does.

Niko Mikkola, Florida: eight games, zero points, 19.7 minutes. The humidity got him.

Shea Theodore, Vegas: seven straight without a point and 19 shots on net this season. That's a lot of ways to say no.

Rickard Rakell, Pittsburgh: six straight at 19.8 minutes. The coach is waiting on his receipt too.

Not a real award

The Bell Centre Participation Ribbon for Outshooting a Team by Seven and Losing goes to the Montreal Canadiens, who put 30 shots on Washington on Wednesday, allowed 23, and lost 5-4. Jakub Dobes stopped 18 of them, a .783 night. Congratulations, boys. The ribbon is made of paper.

Last word

One guy paid for the whole table, and Vancouver is still looking for its wallet. Seattle is in Sunrise tonight, and if Brady scores three again I'm retiring the grading scale. I said what I said.